I have a rich history in the bdsm arts including feminization of various sorts . I am honored that so many have trusted Me enough to place their emotional and physical well-being in my hands. I always strive to send someone away from a scene feeling better off than when they arrived. Keep in mind, however, that I am not a trained psychiatric professional and this essay merely reflects my personal experiences! This was essay was originally develped for presentation to a local kink group and is now edited for my blog.
My male cross-dressing slaves generally ask for stockings, shoes, garters, bras, sexy panties, wigs, sometimes dresses or skirts, rarely make-up. Typically, a cross-dresser will want to wear the same type of garment each time he has a session with me. Each person likes cross-dressing for different reasons. The main reason my slaves want to cross dress is because they have a fetish for women’s clothing. A fetish (in the strictest sense) permits sexual response. A fetish can be acquired through nurturing or training, or through unknown means. A true fetish is one where the presence of a non-sexual item (like a shoe) is a requirement for sexual arousal and climax. Sometimes, men will like to cross dress because they have learned to eroticize objects or types of objects, e.g., leather, latex, women’s clothing, which merely increases sexual/erotic response. This is not a true fetish, because the presence of the item is not a necessary requirement for arousal or climax. A key reason for my male slaves is that cross-dressing brings out their submissiveness; and they see me expressly to experience their submissiveness! Cross-dressing facilitates a change in attitude and behavior with radical departure from the “norm.” Often, they have a belief that males are dominant, females are submissive; therefore they need to be female to express submissiveness.
The Domme is in a different category altogether. She is on a pedestal, and allowed to dominate him — sort of a surrogate male dominant (which he would not otherwise want!) She may be the “ultra femme” role model — the extraordinary exception to the D/s rule, and therefore even more powerful and mysterious.
Sometimes cross-dressing is an expression of a real felt need to express another gender and may do so outside and well as inside sessions with me. Cross-dressing is a risk taking behavior, and a serious violation of taboo. Breaking a taboo is a rebellious act and very exciting; usually having to do with dark aspects of human nature: sexuality, violence, death. It is a “safer” way to experience forbidden aspects of their own personality. It also may bring a sense of balance to their life — an integration of their personality which they don’t have much opportunity to experience in our highly judgmental and male-centric culture. A typically dominant, highly driven executive or manager may crave the relief of changing roles completely—including gender roles. In some cases, cross-dressing in session may be a bridge to getting in touch with bisexuality or homosexuality. As a “woman” the cross-dresser can perform acts that are otherwise unacceptable: suck cock (dildo or real), be fucked, either by the stand-in male (the Domina wearing a strap-on) or by a bio male and it is acceptable, non-threatening to his “real” heterosexual identity. Or it may be a way to begin a journey into acknowledging attraction to aspects of homo-erotica or homosexuality.
Putting a man in stockings, heels, corset, or bra and panties, wig, etc. is putting him in bondage physically and mentally. The thrill and fear of restriction and vulnerability is a result of abdication of responsibility, actually freeing him to be more authentically “himself.” Often, the male will be dressed in frilly panties, or silly costumes that no Domme would EVER wear. I never allow a cross-dresser to wear power clothes like black leather corsets. The way the male wears women’s clothing is designed to make him less powerful.
The Domina may also be in bondage clothing, but the clothing is designed to make her seem more imposing, powerful and dangerous! Stilletto heels are a weapon, leather corsets are like a bullet proof vest, make-up is a mask, and sexy clothing is a weapon to manipulate lust.
Love and hate are two sides of the same spiritual coin. The cross-dresser may be worshipping the Goddess, or be a misogynist. He may be attempting to reconcile conflicting emotions and cognitive dissonance. Admiration, love, hate, fear, and guilt all motivate the cross-dresser. His is a spiritual journey that he likely is not even aware of. There are four stages to his experience: 1) recognition of need/desire, 2) intensifying of need/symbolic distancing from the object of worship, 3) liminality/cresendo 4) resolution/restoration. (See essay on BDSM, Religion, and Spirituality).
The cross-dresser is compelled to cross dress. Whether it is for reasons of expressing a truer gender or whether it is merely a temporary turn-on, he feels a real need. Even if he promises himself that he will stop and he purges all his fetish clothing, he will always be a cross-dresser somewhere in his heart. The gap widens (not closes) between the cross-dresser and his Mistress as his feminine alter ego is put together in a session. It is painfully and pathetically obvious that his is an attempt to worship (or insult) by emulation. The more he tries to be like his Mistress, the more humiliated he becomes. And the more able he is to express his sincere devotion or his loathing. Each piece of clothing intensifies his need. Degradation and objectification aid in the distancing process. The cross-dresser’s alter ego can be nasty and depraved without responsibility or consequences in real life: rape scenes; slut and dildo training; “forced” feminization. Little is too depraved or disgusting for the cross-dresser because “she” deserves the “abuse.” In alter ego “she” will allow herself to be used and abused with gratitude and enthusiasm that would never be tolerated as a male. Each humiliation is a testament to “her” devotion and penance.
The build up crescendos emotionally and physically. As “she” returns to “he” at the end of the scene, the feelings are of having been purged, cleansed, relieved of stress, authenticated, and validated. It’s a spiritual journey, whether the cross-dresser knows it consciously or not. He has just participated in a ritual of spiritual transformation using both physical and emotional means. The Domina is the facilitator – the surrogate Goddess. He is used and abused in the manner of being a woman in order to purge feelings of guilt, shame, self- or other-hatred. Conversely, he has paid the ultimate honor to the Goddess by submitting to her in form and action. At the end of the session, the cross-dresser reclaims his male power and feels “on top of the world.” He is not only restored, but he has been transformed!
As you can see, cross-dressing can definitely play a part in bdsm and kinky sex. Power Exchange is at the root of the scene. Dominance/submission, Bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism may all figure in. Being “forced” to cross-dress is standard bdsm role-play: abdicating responsibility for desired anti-social, or taboo behavior, and submitting to the will of another. Permission is granted to do something or be something in a “safe” environment, usually unthinkable in the “real” world. Part of establishing Dominance and submission is the use of humiliation (again, standard bdsm fare). Humiliation “humbles” — it is NOT shame. Shame is un-penitent guilt. To be humbled is to be absolved of guilt and shame. Doing anything that increases the intensity of the body’s response helps to increase the chances of altering the emotional and mental response – even achieving altered states.
Conversely, by utilizing humiliation, and violation of taboo, the mind excites the body, increasing its response as well. The feelings are eroticized and the body rushes hormones to the brain. So the “bad” experience becomes a good one. Doing something embarrassing (esp. in front of someone) is taking a HUGE spiritual leap of faith. The humiliation is like having a good beating, or near death experience. The endorphin rush is a response to the stress of embarrassment and humiliation. Relieving one kind of stress also relieves others, e.g., the hard day at the office. It’s an attitude adjustment not unlike that accomplished by a good flogging.
Cross-dressing can be a part of performance art: It’s entertainment for self and others. It’s theatrics. It’s fun. It’s being able to laugh at oneself and ridicule while paying homage at the same time. Passing is an important aspect and turn-on for some cross-dressers. Sometimes the cross-dresser will love going out and doing drag shows, or just doing lunch. Gender-fuck is more important for others due to the perceived political impact or sometimes just for mere shock value. Gender fuck is really a turn-on in non-consensual venues, and the ethics are questionable depending on the circumstances. It can be tempting to involve the public non-consensually in what can be considered a bdsm activity. Role play is theatrics, but also serious business.
In strap-on play the woman becomes the penetrator, and male becomes the penetrated. The one “on-top” becomes the dominant, powerful one. The one “on the bottom” becomes the submissive, powerless one. I also use male clothing and attitude to complete the role exchange. More often, though I use female camp to accentuate the difference. The cross-dresser can adopt different personas: slut, sissy maid, and girlfriend are all very popular. It’s cathartic being shameless and vulgar under the direction of the Domina who uses the cross-dresser as Her whore. Our cultural outlook is that when women are [mis]treated it is something that they desire either opening or secretly. Men often find it very exciting and eroticize the experiences. They like to play the part to reassure themselves that their view of reality or behavior is justified. And since women “ask for it” by wearing slutty clothing, etc., they, as males, are not responsible for any of it. True, some women DO love being slutty and whorish and if it is her choice, e.g., in a bdsm context (and there may be others), then that is cool. It is CONSENSUAL in a way that real rape, sexual harassment, and abuse are not.
Or the cross-dresser can be ditzy and silly and it is acceptable—even desired in order to make sure the cross-dresser cannot really approach a good likeness of the Mistress. Making mistakes is a way to garner “punishment” and make the distance between Mistress and maid more obvious. Then again, maybe the fetish is service and wanting to be more feminine in order to express that nurturing caretaking., Especially desired is to be like the Mistress (getting in touch with the Goddess). Then there is full transformation: going out in public and passing. The cross-dresser may be approaching transgender identity. This cross-dresser may have true feelings of wanting to be female or appreciating the feminine on a very deep level. Transsexual and transgender folk fall into a different category than cross-dressers. Theirs is a spiritual and physical journey usually not related to self-hatred or “other” hatred.
Many women (and men) do not understand cross-dressing and do not appreciate the courage it takes to cross-dress. Some are quite disgusted by the whole thing. I find that I am turned-on by the cross-dresser’s inner and outer journey. I feel privileged to facilitate that journey and trusted enough for them to bare their souls to me. I am also just perverted enough to appreciate cross-dressing for all the same reasons that my slaves do whether it’s sincere gender expression or down-and-dirty perverted play. Either way, I get to rise above everyday womanhood and become something extraordinary. I am Male, Female, Deity, Worshipper, and Witness. I get to express my dark side, and be reborn to the light as well! (Edited November 2009)
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